Bittersweet

I've been keeping a journal consistently for thirteen years, and every so often I go back and read bits from different years. Most of the time it is just too painful, and I wonder why I am even saving them. The entries are filled with pain - pain that I have either successfully dealt with and moved on from, or pain that I have buried deep in the ground of my subconscious self. Either way, reliving the words I have put down on paper is usually just too depressing to do. But I do stumble upon beautiful thoughts too, truths, observations, and honesty I have long-since forgotten how to practice. Then I remember that I keep them because I learn something each time I read an entry. I can learn about life from my old entries the same way I learn from the people I meet in my everyday life. Sometimes what I learn is just as painful as the entry is to read, but it's worthwhile to have a revelation, even if it's something as small as realizing I have not fully put certain parts of my past to rest. It's like, whoops, I buried that one while it was still alive.

Anways, I was reading an entry from something I wrote back in 2009, and I was trying to tell myself what I thought God would tell me to comfort me, and it was so very touching to me last night. At the time I wrote it it was just an outpouring of myself, but now it is a reminder to keep believing in these things:

"So long ago, it was so beautiful. You will find that beauty again. You don't need to live in the past to feel beauty. You don't need to live inside of yourself to feel beauty. It is safe to come out. You have a God who is protecting you. Your grief has made you regal. Your grief has made you elegant and wise. You are as deep as the wind, as bright as rebirth. Your privilege, because of the hurt you have known, is to feel the world more, and all if its intensities. The trivial things fade away. Blessings like ribbons dance in the air. Even when you hurt, know that it is a part of life. When you cry, know that it is a blessing to be alive. You will cry more. But you will be okay. You will make it. Your heart, like a butterfly, will guide you to the valley of dreams. You will encounter things that are not fair. But they will make you deep, deep as the sky, deep as always and forever."

These are things I have learned since then, but it's just so cool to see that I wanted to believe them but didn't know how at that time. My posts won't always be so personal, but I think it's important to share and be honest when you can.

Photo taken around the same time I wrote the journal entry - with my dad's manual camera.

Chugging Right Along (with recipes!)

Yeah, that's me. My new job has gotten better, I've settled in and gotten used to this new life. I've changed my hours a bit, and am actually looking forward to going now. It has already taught me so much about myself. For one thing, I thrive in an environment where I am (somewhat)(mostly) in charge. When you're an adult, and you're working with kids, guess what?? You're in charge! Always! But to whom much has been given, much will be required. I don't take the responsibility lightly. In fact, I am honored that the universe has planted these children in my life. I am honored whenever one of them gives me a hug, or wants to hold my hand, or wants me to play a game with them. And those moments make the discipline harder to give. But I know it is doing them a great disservice not to discipline them. Never setting boundaries for a child is like trying to build a house with no blueprints: it won't be a functioning structure.

So on another note, I am doing just as much cooking and baking as ever. It has become my greatest release, and I am really embracing new main-dish recipes this fall. In college I got into a rut of a comforting and healthy but repetitive daily menu. It was due to necessity, but once I graduated I kept it up, unable for some reason to break out of the comforting cocoon of repetition.

I have been wanting to start one of those beautiful, inspiring recipe blogs for years now, but feeling very lacking in ability and inspiration. Yes, I love to cook, but I'm not sure I'm the best blogger. But I've had many requests for recipes over the past few years, and so I figured I might as well put them up on my blog to share! Who knows, maybe this will be the start of something.

This isn't a main dish, but it's as good as. It's healthy enough to be part of your meal! I have been having it alongside some steamed greens and carrots, and either apples or clementines. Perfect little lunch to give you a skip in your step! I give you:

Coconut Flour Biscuits

1 TBSP. lemon juice, plus enough almond milk to equal 1 cup

3 TBSP. ground flax seeds

1 TBSP. coconut oil

¾ tsp. baking powder

¾ tsp. baking soda

¼ fine sea salt

½ C. + 1 TBSP. coconut flour

3 TBSP. garbanzo bean flour

1/4 tsp. uncut stevia, optional

Preheat oven to 400F. Line a cookie sheet with parchment paper.

Stir lemon juice and non-dairy milk together in a glass measuring cup, and let sit for 10 minutes. Then add coconut oil. Microwave glass for 2 minutes to melt the oil, and stir well to combine. 

In separate bowl stir together dry ingredients. Add liquid ingredients to dry, and stir gently until well-combined. The mixture should hold together well when fully mixed.

Put a little coconut oil on hands so dough doesn’t stick, and separate into 6-8 mounds. Flatten or shape as desired once on the cookie sheet. Brush the top of each biscuit with a generous amount of extra almond milk, to keep them moist.

Bake for 12 minutes, then rotate pan and bake for another 12-15 minutes, until tops are lightly golden-brown. Remove from oven and let cool a few minutes on the cookie sheet before transferring to a cooling rack.

Store in an air-tight container for a couple of days, or in the fridge for a week, reheating as necessary. May also be frozen.

*Notes: If you try this once and they come out too dry, you can always add more milk, but also check that your oven isn't too powerful. I have cut the cooking time way down over the years on these, because I like them chewy.

**I always add the stevia. You don't even notice it, but it rounds out the flavor. Plus stevia helps control blood sugar.

***These are excellent eaten right out of the fridge. i usually make a huge batch, and put some in the freezer to thaw later in a pinch. I love them cold though. I have this fetish with cold baked goods, so usually anything I bake goes straight to the fridge. ;-) 

Easy Dairy-Free Strawberry Cream Cheeze

6 TBSP coconut butter

1 12-oz package of organic Mori-Nu tofu

1-2 TBSP fresh lemon juice, to taste

5 oz. freeze-dried strawberries

1 tsp. vanilla extract

pinch of stevia, if desired

Blend strawberries in a dry blender until powdered. (If the blender is not completely dry it will not work.)

Transfer strawberries, and all other ingredients into food processor, and process until completely smooth, stopping every little bit to scrape down sides.

Store in glass jars in fridge or freezer. Will keep at least five days in fridge, maybe longer but I haven't tried. Freezes well. 

So folks . . . top your biscuits with the cream cheeze!!! YUMMMM!!!!! And my mom says they look like cookies, plus they have a cookie-like consistency, so I call them cookie-biscuits. It's a super-wholesome, GF and vegan goody!!! You're welcome. 

New Job, New Chapter, New Experiment

I haven’t kept up with my blogging as much as I would like to, but what can I say, I have a busy life. I love to write, but you can’t multitask when you write, and so I haven’t had much time to devote to it lately.

(Panorama of my grandparents' house and property.) 

I started a new job last week, and it has been keeping me busy and anxious for the past couple of weeks. I am not used to working so much, and am still trying to figure out how to fit everything in. Mostly, I have to give up my art during the week, which has been sad, and hard, but I keep reminding myself that it is very normal in fact. I am at the age where a full-time job is just a fact of life. I wish I could just go ahead and retire, but I have many decades to go before that will happen. Seriously, who wouldn’t want to go right from college to retirement? You’ve been in school for eighteen years, and now you’re ready to do something different. I had the mixed blessing/curse of not being able to find a job right out of college, and therefore getting used to being my own boss, which is the best feeling in the world!!!

Anyways, here I am in the middle of a terrifying new career change, wondering why it was that I thought this was a good idea. I didn’t really know what it would be like before I started. I did not know it would be so hard. Supervising naptime? Putting little kids to bed? Sure, why not?! Let me tell you though, nothing will exhaust you quite as much as telling a child to do something they don’t want to do.

There have been some blessings and silver linings to my elevated stress levels though, namely the well-behaved children, who do not need to be prodded, cajoled, or begged. One extra special little three-year-old who for the purposes of this blog shall be called “Lucy” has been the charm in my afternoons. This is her first year of going to school and staying through naptime and after-school program, and she has bravely born the adventure. She is the best napper in the room, getting onto her mattress, pulling up her blankets, and closing her eyes. Apart from some typical post-nap tears, she fares excellently for being so little, and so far from home. I didn’t start having to be away from home for so long until I was six, and even then, I got to go home at three. I didn’t have to stay any later. Sometimes I think parents are too hasty in their separation tactics, but that is a subject for another day.

(Waterlily at the UK Arboretum)

Lucy does not ever have to be told to do something, or to not do something. She cheerfully goes about her activities in a way that makes me wish all children were like her. You know, teacher’s pet? Well teacher’s pets are as such for a reason: they bring a sigh of relief and a smile to our faces. Sometimes I think kids these days are not being parented in a sustainable way. What ever happened to children learning what the word “no” means. I grew up with the most loving, tender parents the world could ever produce, but I was given boundaries and discipline, and it sure seems like at least half of the kids here have never experienced consequences before. To prove my point, my mother informs me that neither my sister nor I ever did the things that I report from the classroom. I’m not bragging, I’m just saying that not all kids are badly behaved. It’s not in their nature. It is the parents who have control over how their kids turn out.

I have come home from school only to burst into tears, and yes I mean present-day, not when I was six, and many nights have decided to quit because it’s just too hard. But I keep getting up and going forth again. I want to see how long I can hold out before I’m truly done with this, because I’m running out of options. I need money. I want to go to grad school, travel, do my art, and those all require money. I want to live well and healthily, and that requires money. I want to lighten my parents’ financial burden, and that requires money, and yet I cannot find any job that I enjoy and can do full-time.

I can’t post photos from school, so I shall find some of my life’s other goings on.

Peace.

(Drinking my new fave summer drink: healthy homemade vegan frappuccino)

24 Years Ago: I happened.

So last Saturday was my birthday, and it was an all-around lovely day! The weather was absolutely perfect, which can make or break a day. I am so thankful it was mid-70s, sunny and breezy. My mom and I walked to the farmer’s market downtown in the morning, and got some lovely things: tiny summer squashes, sweet tomatoes, and local organic turnips.

I had a fun party with the fam, presents, and my signature cake: Five-Spice Chocolate, with Choco-Mocha-Mousse Frosting.

Thank you to all of the dear ones in my life who wished me a happy day!! <3 <3 <3 xoxoxo!!

Hypochondriac Much? More like Health Nut!

For the second time in 6 months I caught a mysterious virus with symptoms of low-grade fever (100-101 degrees F), extreme fatigue and weakness, nausea, and loss of appetite. Last time it lasted for 8 weeks, this time thank goodness it only lasted for four days. Knock on wood. Makes me wonder if there isn't something else going on here though, considering the fact that I eat way too well and wash my hands way too often to get sick. I was NEVER this sick all throughout my four years of college! Weird. One of the top things that everyone recommends for health is a healthy diet . . . which is my passion in life. Eating well, avoiding sugar, dairy, white flour, processed food, etc. I was wondering if maybe I should make my diet "even better" - maybe that would prevent me from getting sick? Then I realized, sheesh, no, I can't possibly eat any better! I eat like a champion. Today is an example of what I eat most days:

Breakfast: oats, raw wheat germ, ground flax seed, almond milk and soy milk, spices, and fresh ginger cooked on the stovetop with banana slices

Snack: Pumpkin seed KIND bar

Lunch: cooked turnips (huge pile), sautéed greens, celery sticks, apple slices, fried rice (wild rice and cage free eggs with onions and organic sesame oil)

Snack: oat bran muffin and almonds

Dinner: giant "everything" salad including black beans, shredded beets, and raw organic sauerkraut, a homemade gluten-free chocolate scone, a mango

Snack: sprouted whole wheat pita with coconut oil


So, back to the drawing board. I think my diet is perfectly healthy thank you very much!!

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